my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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