Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I have aggressive nipples.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
