i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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