hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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