i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
