Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
