I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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