Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
