last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
