I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
