He is an equal opportunity slut.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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