Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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