Small penises have feelings too.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
