I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
