Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
