my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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