Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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