Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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