hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
