Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
