Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
