How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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