Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
