I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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