our cab driver is having phone sex.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
