I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
