I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
