Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
