There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
it's like iHOP with fire
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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