Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just high enough for therapy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
