It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
