I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
