When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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