I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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