I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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