sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
