Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
