you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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