that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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