I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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