we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
