My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
