I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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