i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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