That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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