I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
