I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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