Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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