Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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