i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
