Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
