My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
