you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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