I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Church boner. Awkwardddd
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
