College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
