Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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