I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
